"It's broken." I've been thinking about how Sam, just over two and a half, confronts this reality on an almost daily basis. His little musical table needs new batteries, some of his "reusable" stickers just won't stick anymore, his remote control train won't work, and he is getting a cold. "Broken" is a part of his ordinary everyday life almost as routinely most days as watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and having pretzels for a snack.
And yet as an adult I don't like "broken." I want to be in control. I want things to go as I plan. I want everything to be "perfect," whatever perfect is according to me. Having Sam has helped me a great deal with this seemingly endless quest for "perfection." My days with him may begin with me having a plan, but they turn into just unfolding and living. Our days together are anything but perfect. Sure, we have our tender moments when a little voice says, "I need a big hug," and then, "I need a bigger hug, " but there is a lot of "broken," too. A lot of less than perfect and even ridiculous, too, like yesterday when I found myself angrily telling Sam that he wasn't getting any popcorn for his snack because he wouldn't take a nap.
I couldn't love him more though, and I don't know that I've ever enjoyed my life more than I do now.
I feel shy talking about matters of faith even though if you are reading this you are probably someone dear to me to whom I have given this link. I feel that God is teaching me how to live through my daily experiences as a mother to my little boy. I know what it is like now to let the day unfold because most days I'm just forced to let the day happen. I don't care if things don't always go perfectly anymore because this experience of growing, living, and loving with my little boy is much better anyway. This experience must be similar to what it feels like to let God be in control and to let His will be done. I may have to relearn it again tomorrow, but at least I have these moments where I let go of my need to control and desire God's plan for my days. Just as my days are so much better when I let go and just let them happen, God's will is so much better than any plan for myself that I could ever contrive.
Yes, it's broken, Sam, and here is something I want you to know. That's okay. Everything is going to be okay.
The last three lines made me tear up. Interesting how as kids we can accept broken things much easier than we can as adults. Whenever I am struggling with something "broken" - Natalie always reminds ME that it will be alright.
ReplyDeleteI wrote as my "statement" on FB a long time ago that "Each day for me, as a mom, is a lesson in humility, gratitude, forgiveness (of my mistakes), patience and faithfulness in God. I hope in the end I manage to make a passing grade." Many days I feel like I'm pulling a "C" - but in spite of my "average" abilities - I have 2 incredible gifts/girls that constantly blow me away with their wisdom, love, and joy. They are the proof that God is a reality - b/c I didn't make them that way - God did - and has graciously blessed Tim and me with them. :)
I enjoyed and appreciated your comment! I have seen what you wrote on Facebook. I think it is very well put. Children are amazing. They know so much and don't know they know it. Maybe that is partially why they are such good teachers. Motherhood many days feels like God's boot camp, but it feels good to hopefully be learning!
ReplyDeleteSam, too, is a blessing beyond anything I could imagine!