Today is What Matters

For me one of the best things about motherhood is the feeling that I am living in the present perhaps more fully than I have since I was in college over twenty years ago.  For much of my young adulthood, I felt mired in past regret.  I have been envious of Frank Sinatra in "My Way" because my regrets in my mind have not been "too few to mention."  I realize that many of the mistakes I made were due to immaturity and that I should view them with more compassion than I tend to do, but, nevertheless, it has been all too easy for me to get bogged down in regret from time to time. 

I guess at least three things have changed for me since those days when regretting the past and worrying about the future seemed to have me paralyzed.  I became older and realized that life is short and that the last thing I wanted to do was to waste additional time thinking about what might have been.  I met and married Kevin, who helped me to start living my life again instead of just thinking about it.  And, of course, we had Sam, who keeps me so busy that I am delighted to find my feet are firmly planted in the present most of the time. 

A couple of days ago I couldn't help but think again about the utter futility of giving the past too much thought and, of course, it was something that happened with Sam that reminded me of this lesson once again. 

Sam loves these yogurt smoothie drinks for kids that I used to buy for him quite often until I became aware of their high sugar content.  Perhaps the colorful cartoon monkeys decorating the bottle should have clued me in or maybe the names of the flavors, like "Splashin' Strawberry Banana."  In any case, I finally stopped buying them but have had to endure Sam's frequent questioning on why I don't get the yogurt drinks anymore. 

On a whim a few Sundays ago, I picked up a six pack of the yogurt drinks.  I wanted to offer them to Sam as a reward for good behavior.  The inner voice inside my head did not even wait for me to leave Kroger before it started screaming at me.  "Yogurt drinks as a reward for good behavior?   This is going to contribute to adulthood obesity.  And you are bribing him again.  Can't you make him behave without bribing him?"  My inner voice's complaints fell on deaf ears this time.  Sam's behavior had been so challenging for me to deal with lately that I was willing to try whatever I could to encourage him to be good.  "Lighten up,"  I snapped at my uppity inner voice, "I'm just going to try it out!" 

A friend of mine recently reminded me that with children, whether they are going through a good phase or a bad phase, it is just a phase.  I believe that Sam was ending the end of a "bad phase" when I explained to him that he would get a yogurt drink as a treat at supper time if he had a good day the entire day.  In any case, my experimentation in rewarding Sam for good behavior with yogurt drinks worked well except for the problem that occurred on day three.

On day three I forgot to give Sam his yogurt drink, and he forgot to ask for it.  Right before bedtime I happened to mention that I owed Sam a yogurt drink for being so good all day long.  Yes, I should have thought before I spoke, but you have to understand that part of what I was trying to do was to reinforce and encourage his good behavior.  In any case, I was all set to give Sam his yogurt drink when Kevin reminded us that it often seems that if Sam eats or drinks too much right before bedtime he gets a tummy ache.  He had a good point so we finally convinced an irritated but resigned Sam that he could have his yogurt drink first thing in the morning.

Sam is an early riser.  He usually wakes up somewhere between 6 a.m. and 6:20.  That means that I also wake up somewhere between 6 a.m. and 6:20 if I haven't woken up before.  If I am lucky enough to have slept until Sam wakes me up, the last sort of discussion I want to have when I have just woken up is the kind of discussion that occurred the morning after Sam didn't get his yogurt drink previous night. 

"Mommy!" Sam yells.  I put on my glasses, robe,  and slippers and stumble into his room. 

"You ready to go downstairs, buddy?" I ask.

"Yogurt drink," he whines. 

"Yeah, let's go downstairs and get your yogurt drink,"  I reply. 

"Yogurt drink last night."

"Let's not worry about the yogurt drink last night.  Let's go get your yogurt drink right now."

"Want to worry about yogurt drink last night."

And on this continued for several minutes.  There is no doubt that my little boy is one of the greatest blessings of my life, but that does not change the fact that this kind of behavior first thing in the morning is simply maddening.  Please let's go downstairs, watch a show, let me collect my thoughts and truly wake up.  Anything but continue talking about this. 

I tried everything I could to persuade Sam to go downstairs and stop talking about yesterday's yogurt drink but to no avail.  Finally, the commanding, assertive Anne Marie that I often struggle to channel came to my rescue. 

"If you don't stop worrying about it," I firmlysaid, "you are not going to get your yogurt drink today." 

I am pleased to share with you that Sam then picked his "Happy Napper" penguin and his treasured blue elephant and came downstairs with his mom without further incident.  I admit it.  I was more than a little pleased with how that turned out. 

I don't know what the future will bring.  A small insane part of me already wants to worry about me in the future.  Will I find myself dwelling on past mistakes and fretting about the future once again when I am not as busy with my little boy?  Maybe not. It feels good not to be worrying  as much.  Maybe I will still be channelling my energy into more positive enterprises like this blog.  In any case, I will try to remember what that frustrating early morning reminded me of, that if you don't let the past go, you may very well miss out on the "treats" that the present day has to offer.